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As the mask mandate is reluctantly lifted in Hawai’i* (the last state to do so), Hawai’i government has reached out and secured federal emergency funds to offer rehab assistance for the lil’ dog dictators who helped all of us keep our masks on properly for two years! Selfless job – bless them. Hopefully they’ll continue to wear their’s indefinitely. (And hopefully everyone else’s lungs will repair in time for the next pandemic).

* Masks will still be required in certain areas, so keep those bacteria laden pieces of cloth handy just in case! (Note: The safe travels program has ended as well, so you may resume traveling unsafely. )

You might recall our interview with Hawaii’s #1 Surf Forecaster Pat Caldwell all the way back in 2007, if not check it out! He was planning his retirement from NOAA way back then, and every year we were worried it might be the year he disappeared. So when his name was gone from the NWS website and their collab chart a few months back, we were crushed. We even wrote to NWS and they responded that he’d retired.

What they failed to mention is that he is now giving his forecast (including his infamous chart) on the Surf News Network. Make sure to BOOKMARK OUR CGW HAWAII SURF REPORT PAGE FOR ALL PERTINENT HAWAII SURF LINKS / CAMS / WEATHER HAZARDS / ETC all collected in one place.

Sure, his forecast is always Oahu-centric, but it’s the only forecast that gives outer island enough information (especially with so many buoys down) to figure out a rough plan for the week. For years most Hawaii surf forecasts simply utilized his data, few gave him credit, but luckily we can still go direct to the source. Mahalo Pat and Surf New Network!

There are lovely markets happening daily across Kaua’i. We’ve included some Craft Fairs and Night Markets as well. [updated 4/24]

With Hawaii’s year-round growing season it’s a delight between all the lovely fruits, veggies, flowers that thrive here. Many markets mix produce vendors with those offering unique locally made products, crafts, jewelry, woodwork, gifts, hot prepared foods, hula and live music as well. This is one of the best ways to experience the local flavor. We appreciate you shopping small and supporting local. Enjoy!

Kauai Farmers Markets

SATURDAYS

KilaueaAnaina Hou / Mini Golf  9-12pm  [2 levels 40 vendors, one of the best and largest with farmers, crafters, bakers, hot food!]

Princeville – Princeville Community Center  9:30am-12pm 

HanaleiHale Halawai ‘Ohana O Hanalei 9:30-12pm [Kupuna shop 9am]

LihueKaua’i Community College Kuhio Hwy in Puhi 9:30 am

LihueGrove Farm Market in Puhi 9:30am-1pm [bi-monthly craft fairs 1st and 3rd Saturdays alongside the Saturday Farm Market]

KapaaCoconut Marketplace – Kuhio Hwy Kapaa 9-1pm

Kekaha – Neighborhood Center – Elepaio Road 9am

SATURDAY NIGHT MARKETS [food, music, more]: 1st SATURDAY KAPAA TOWN; 2nd SATURDAY DOWNTOWN LIHUE 4-8 KRESS ST. Check out @redhousekauai on IG for cool night market events.

SUNDAYS

Poipu – Beach House Every third Saturday 9-1pm This has grown into a huge craft fair, food, music, unique local vendors, lots of jewelry too. Scope it out then jump in for a snorkel or surf.

Kapaa – Wailua Bay Creator’s Fair – Hilton Garden Inn, 4th Sunday of each month (additional markets during holiday season), 8:30am-1pm [food, crafts, music] wailuabaycreatorsfair.com

SUNDAY NIGHT MARKETS: 1st Sunday Princeville Artist and Flea Market (Princeville Community Center) 3-7pm; 2nd Sunday Princeville Night Market (Princeville Shopping Center) 4-8pm

MONDAYS

Kapaa – Kealia Farms – Across from Kealia Beach  3-6pm (They’re slowly starting to reboot this one Monday & Fridays as of 4/24; need to reconfirm hours)

Lihue – Kmart Parking Lot –  Pikake Street 3pm

Koloa – Knudsen Ball Park – Maluhia Road in Koloa 12pm – 1:30pm

TUESDAYS

Hanalei – Waipa – North of Hanalei Town Kuhio Hwy 3:30-5:30pm

KapaaCoconut Marketplace – Kuhio Hwy 9-1pm 

Lihue – Historic County Building Rice Street 11-1pm

Kalaheo – Neighborhood Center – Papalina Road off Kaumualii Hwy 3-4pm

WEDNESDAYS

Princeville – Music & Arts Fair 1-5pm – Princeville Makai Golf

Kapaa Beach Park – 3pm-4:30pm

Kukuiula Shopping Center – Poipu Road 3:30-6pm

THURSDAYS

Kilauea – Community Ag Center 2-5pm

KoloaAloha Market, Art + Farm, National Tropical Botanical Garden Mcbryde & Allerton 10-2pm

Hanapepe Town – Puolo Road  3-4pm

Waimea – Hale Puna, 9567 Huakai Rd. 3:30-5:30pm

FRIDAY

Kapaa – Kealia Farms – Across from Kealia Beach  3-6pm

LihueVidinha Stadium – Hoolaka Road 3pm

FRIDAY NIGHT MARKET in Kaua’i biggest little town Hanapepe! 5-8pm. Check out the galleries, restaurants, food trucks, boutiques, crafters, musicians. (This market started in 1997!!)

* Dates, locations, times subject to change. Many events are rain or shine but best bet is check event host on Instagram. If you have a correction or a market / event shoot us a message.

UPCOMING SPECIAL EVENTS:

MAY – WAIPA ANNIVERSARY (to be announced)

You may also want to check out farms that let you taste and purchase produce direct, from farm shops and / or farm tours such as Kunana Dairy, Fehring Family Farm, and the many chocolate tours Lydgate Farms, Princeville Botanical Gardens, Garden Island Chocolate. There are many food tours as well through Tasting Kauai. 

Surf Girls Jamaica focuses on Imani Wilmot, an inspirational Jamaican surfer who uses the sport as a means of transforming the tough lives of the women around her, in Kingston and surrounding areas. Imani has harnessed the power of surfing to empower these women through training camps which bring women together to learn the mindful art of riding waves. This develops self-motivation, entrepreneurial spirit, respect for the environment and a deep sense of community. Globally, Imani has taken it as her personal responsibility to empower women of colour to have access to surfing and see a place for themselves within the global surf industry.

Safe Sunscreen Box!

UVs are aging and potentially damaging your skin year-round. If you’ve been looking for natural mineral sunscreens to protect your skin summer through winter you have to check out this sunscreen sampler box. For just $21.95 you get a selection of awesome reef safe, people safe brands: PukoaOrganicsMandaLittle Hands, Surf Durt, A’o Organics Hawai’iGoddess Garden, YeaBah, Soula Organics, Kuleana Sun Protection (mix of sample size, travel size, and full sized products!). You also get a free Hawaii Peeps lip balm! Safe Sunscreen Coalition and Ban Toxic Sunscreens are some of the groups who worked three years to get the sunscreen bill passed in Hawai’i and sales of these boxes help them produce educational materials. They usually have a few different boxes per year and they all sell out, so if this one’s gone sign up for the BTS newsletter so you’re the first to know when the next box comes out. Get yours here: Safe Sunscreen Coalition Shop.

Safe Sunscreen Holiday Sampler Box Ban Toxic Sunscreens Hawaii

Word is that these chemical sunscreen companies have known about the very serious problems with oxybenzone since 2008 when the first studies started being published. It’s not surprising they have “New & Improved” formulations without oxybenzone ready to go – already filling the shelves at Hawaii’s ABC and other stores right now! Wonder why their lobbyists are still running around the capitol complaining about restrictions on their toxic chemical ingredients. Perhaps because oxybenzone is just the worst offender. Perhaps because as the DLNR stated in their press release, people who care about Hawaii’s coral reefs should also be avoiding: homosalate, octisalate, octinoxate, octocrylene, avobenzone – just some of the ingredients not allowed in Mexico’s marine reserves. Perhaps because so many more efficient non-toxic natural brands are already available and they fear losing any market share.
 

Will be interesting if they can’t even be behind the game to protect people, sea life, corals by banning sales and use of at minimum oxybenzone in Hawai’i. Don’t worry though, if Hawai’i doesn’t pass a bill, doesn’t make a stand, there are many areas across the U.S. and countries around the world that are presently working on bills and hoping to be the first to put forth an official ban. Perhaps if a ban of these ingredients occurs somewhere else, that can somehow help Hawai’i… if they’re not willing to help themselves.

Oxybenzone Free Sunscreens Better but still not reef safe ban toxic sunscreens Hawaii
If you’d like to send a note to Hawai’i legislators supporting restrictions of oxybenzone and toxic chemical sunscreen ingredients in Hawai’i, do it this week!: reps@capitol.hawaii.gov & sens@capitol.hawaii.gov  Learn more at bantoxicsunscreens.com

A lil’ meme for the Hawai’i tourist, who doesn’t always comprehend the intense environment here. Who thinks when the hurricane or tropical storm warning has ended or been cancelled, you’re in the clear. Who doesn’t pay attention to high surf or those pretty signs that line the beach warning you not to go in. Who think they can handle the waves here, because they’ve surfed before. Who go to the shoreline to get that perfect selfie, only to get washed away. Who think (or don’t think) it’s okay to be oblivious because you’re on vacation! Problem is, tourists die here every year, because they’re not paying attention. If you’re “that guy” (or girl) this one’s for you!Hawaii-Hurricane-Tropical-Storm-Oahu-Maui-Kauai-Big-Island-2

Hawaii HurricanesWhen storms are named and media starts click baiting the looming disaster, there’s an expectation of a certain level of death and destruction, accompanied by adequate catastrophic imagery. If the gratification goes unfulfilled, unsatiated social media fiends hijack the threads and call everyone out for “crying wolf.”

This often happens with Hawai’i, whether it be for potential tsunamis or hurricanes. The tsunami comes in at a few feet with no Fukushima kine drama. The hurricane doesn’t impact land or turns into a tropical storm along the way (which is typical because of the effects of the massive mountain volcanos Mauna Loa and Mauna Kea), and it’s like someone let all the air outta the balloon.

Follow-up headlines will proclaim “Tsunami hits… Little Damage”, as they did after the Honshu Tsunami in 2011, even though there was actually over $30 million in damages. There was no Japan-horror footage, people getting swept out to sea (though a few ignoring warnings did in Cali), but the impacts were still profound for our lil’ isles. Boats, docks, businesses destroyed; Kona Village still hasn’t reopened five years later.

When in 2014 Hurricane Iselle didn’t seem to pack enough punch, social media was rife with complaints. And the follow-up news reports barely covered the effects on Puna, which left many with damaged homes, trapped by fallen trees, without power for almost a month. Though it was a let-down in terms of action / drama, damage across the islands was about $80 million, making it the third-costliest to ever hit the state.

Reality is, in Hawai’i we don’t need a direct impact to feel the repercussions. A little river can quickly turn into a massive flood zone with heavy rains (everything flows rapidly off the mountains / volcanos to the sea). These storms dumping over 15″ in a day is not unusual, and can easily result in flash floods (which have been known to wash oblivious tourists out to sea). Many low-lying areas, from Hanalei to Waikiki to Hilo, have a bad habit of flooding (Oahu was a temporary shit-storm just last month from Hurricane Darby). There are many who live beach front, who only need an storm swell and a high tide to be at risk. As far as the winds, we have too many invasive albizia, which do not need hurricane force to break or completely topple – as we saw with Iselle crushing homes and taking down the tree tunnel Pahoa.

This slideshow from a random 2012 storm that got little buzz: two weeks of rain, 50″ in a week, the highway blocked, towns flooded, crossing ragin’ rivers with ropes to get home….

Boarded up Wal Mart Hilo Hawaii Madeline Hurricane

LOL

Those who lived through the tsunamis of the ’40s, ’60s, or Hurricane Iniki in ’92 – or heard the tales – probably don’t mind precautionary warnings. Better safe than sorry. Sure we’re used to natural disaster events being downgraded after lots of hoopla. You simply can’t be certain of the worst-case scenario (aka a hurricane AND an Obama visit). In this case, hopefully the side-effects of Madeline and Lester won’t be too bad. If they don’t live up to the hype, we’re really really okay with that!

*All posteed videos are from Hurricane Madeline; sources shown.

Check Hawaii Weather / Storm Updates Here:

National Weather Service

Hawaii News Now

Windy.Ty

Hurricane News

 

 

Still a dream unfulfilled to visit (and surf) Israel. In the meantime, we enjoy fun vids like this. Australian paddler Trevor Tunnington exploring Israel, hummus, and SUPing the dead sea! (Courtesy of Zazik). #Jealous

Deep_water_posterEver obsessed with ocean flicks, we’ve recently been catching up on sailing docs: Maiden TripFive Lost at Sea, Morning Light and finally a chance to check out 2006’s Deep Water. The true story of the first solo, non-stop, round-the-world yacht race 1960s, and the psychological toll it took on the competitors, specifically dark horse Donald Crowhurst.

An excerpt from Crowhurst’s logbook:

The explanation of our troubles is that cosmic beings are playing games with us. During his lifetime, each man plays cosmic chess against the devil. G-d is playing with one set of rules, and the devil with other exactly opposite set of rules. The shameful secret of G-d, the trick he used, because the truth would hurt too much, is there is no good or evil. There is only truth.

Well, he certainly got that right. Watch it here

* James Marsh is directing Rachel Weisz and Colin Firth in a biopic on Donald Crowhurst called The Mercy due out January 2017.

Hawaii is now home to the most fascist gun laws in the nation. Hawaii Governor Ige signed a bill making it the first state to place all of its law-abiding gun owners in a federal criminal record “Rap Back” database and monitor them for possible wrongdoing anywhere in the country. Let’s repeat that one more time for clarity sake: LEGAL gun owners in Hawaii are now in a CRIMINAL database.hawaii guns hawaii defense foundation laws

Thank goodness, because consistently being a state with the lowest gun death rates certainly made it a crisis issue! Being a state that already required you to jump through excessive hoops to acquire a gun, we definitely needed more restrictions.

Some wacko gun rights advocates might think the real crisis in Hawaii is the huge increase in violent crimes and robberies. Or a crisis might be the near-impossibility to obtain a permit to carry a concealed weapon, which has surely put many-a-woman at risk.

Heck, Hawaii politicians must really dislike women who want to protect themselves, as they also make sure to restrict them from carrying mace. On Kauai for example, obtaining pepper spray legally includes restrictions similar to gun ownership, with fingerprinting and 14 day waiting periods. And actually, MACE is illegal; only pepper spray with less potent OC ingredients, and only 1/2 ounce max. If you’re caught using pepper spray without a permit the fine is $2,000. If you use wasp spray against a predator there are even larger fines and you will be jailed (if you’re broke, might be easier to let yourself get raped or robbed). Don’t worry, you’re not allowed to have a stun gun either. And if you don’t have thousands of dollars to hire a lawyer to go to court to assist you in acquiring an order of protection from a stalker or someone who has sexually assaulted or threatened you, we have personal experience that judges here prefer to deny the P.O. But hey, that’s a whole other story.

Background checks weren’t enough to protect us from the danger of legal gun ownership (most of the legal guns here being hunting rifles). Watch, in five years they’re going to claim Hawaii has the lowest gun death rate because of this law. Perhaps, as with many areas that impose gun restrictions, we’ll also see an increase in violent crimes.

Of course, for this to all make sense we will need to pretend criminals won’t be able to acquire guns, and that making it harder for people to protect themselves will keep our gun murder rates even lower.

hawaii guns

Hawaii Guns. Don’t Ban Guns!

In conjunction to this bill, Ing signed another reassuring us that those who have any mental disability or depression (let’s say vets who ever suffered from PTSD; anyone who took Prozac once; perhaps even a mom who had postpartum depression…) can be denied the right to own a gun. Reality check: with these kinds of laws in place, it really is best that if you ever are depressed you never tell anyone and you do not seek help, because any record of your depression may impair your ability to acquire a gun or maintain possession of your gun. If you were ever treated for depression, you can be denied your 2nd amendment rights.

Luckily there will be little complaint in Hawaii, as the guns most people here care about are the ones that shoot barrels of big waves. (Nah, just kidding, usually after initiatives like this, even in Hawaii we see an increase in people applying for guns). But it is why they initiate these types of legislations in Democrat-dominated states, usually with a populous who seem less conscious or concerned about giving away their rights, particularly the right to bear arms. A large portion of liberals have had their minds mushed to the point they are begging the government to take that right away from them – how is that?! And yet again, no matter the reasoning, these restrictions have little to nothing to do with terrorists, mass shootings, automatic weapons… they’re about gun control for law abiding citizens.

Governor Ing Hawaii gun laws

And the kook award goes to… Governor Ige

Anyway, we prefer to stay optimistic. Maybe with this out of the way, Governor Ing and friends can focus on a quintessential ban more representative of reality – a ban of fists, feet and knives – since these “weapons” actually equate to almost 90% of the murders in Hawaii (murders of people who aren’t defending themselves properly, with guns, mace, stun guns, etc.). Heck, maybe these Hawaii politicians will have time to join the Facebook Page “Stolen Stuff Hawaii” so they can keep up on the increasing number of thefts and assaults going on, under their watch. Good thing is, these kinds of bills that restrict legal gun ownership do complement a system that consistently works against lawful citizens e.g. in Hawaii you do not have a right to shoot an intruder who enters your home.

Some common core logic: Legal gun ownership restrictions up + violent crimes up (+ number of Iceheads per capita, definitely up) = Do the math! Hawaii is setting us all up to be victims. Good to see Hawaii politicians have their priorities in order.

Want to own a gun in Hawaii? Try these:

Big Island: Hilo GunsKona Guns & Ammo

Oahu: Too Many to List, Here’s Top Yelp Reviews

Maui: Central Guns & AmmoMaui Ammo & Gun Supply

Kauai: JGB ArmsKauai Gun Dealer • Rosa’s Arms (note: you can also get a storage container and a massage at Rosa’s!)

Contact the Governor: Governor Ige

Sometimes DIY and low-budget surf collide to create something that wouldn’t pan out on Pinterest but does bring a bit of mirth in a way-too-serious surf scene. Cummon, who wouldn’t like kickstart a new brand of metal chain locking surf straps? Who wouldn’t like chains wrapped around their surfboard and banging on the roof of the car as they drive? While surfboard theft isn’t as common on Kauai compared to the other islands, have a feeling this won’t catch on Maui, Big Island or Oahu either (well, correction, we can kinda imagine this being a hit in Puna lol).

* metal chains surf rack

As seen in Hanalei, Kauai, Hawai’i

Dr. Beach names Hanauma Bay the #1 beach in this year’s Dr Beach Top 10 Beaches in America. What is unfortunate is that the corals at Haunama are dead. While in Mexico marine reserves restrict toxic sunscreens that damage corals, in Hawaii there are no such restrictions (shocking considering Hanauma is touted as a “Nature Preserve”). There is a serious die-off of corals occurring right now in Hawaii that correlates specifically to sunscreen usage. Exposés like this encourage an increase of tourists to specific areas and will stress the environment even more.

Dr. Beach (self-proclaimed as “America’s Foremost Beach Expert) should use the health of the waters, corals, sea life as part of his criteria to rating the health of beaches before sand softness and smoking. [Read his criteria here] If there’s no testing for toxins, carcinogens, hormone disruptors like oxybenzone, octocrylene, octinoxate, avobenzone on the sand and in the water, these beach sand and water quality tests are not really complete.

We can rarely go to Hawai’i beaches during the summer (or winter or spring break for that matter) without getting bombarded by tourists gooping and spraying these chemicals. How can a beach be “the best beach” when they are now crowded with tourists blasting atomized carcinogens into the lungs of everyone in the vicinity. If you don’t breath this stuff in, you’re likely swimming in it, as most formulations come right off in the water (that nice rainbow sheen) and the kids are playing in it while building their sandcastles.

It’s been shown that these chemicals don’t just kill the corals, but they create an environment antithetical to their existence. That’s because they destroy DNA and affect hormones (yes, they do similar things to you and your children). Studies have shown that if the water conditions are overwhelmed by these chemicals (which doesn’t take a lot – about one drop per Olympic-sized swimming pool), baby corals can not grow. So whether the coral died because of the chemicals or because these beaches are now overwhelmed with tourists trampling and manhandling the corals, efforts to regrow or transplant them often fail.  

Dr. Beach, we love that you appreciate Hawai’i beaches (two in fact made the list this year), but you should balance these announcements by using your platform to help educate about eco safe / reef safe sunscreen. We need to change our approach to UV protection, and use products that are safe for us and the environment. If beach-lovers don’t wake up, they’re going to inundate these amazing places with their toxic sunscreens and tax the ecosystems to their limits. As far as we’re concerned, that doesn’t make for a nice beach.

Haunama Bay Dr Beach

Hawai’i is known as the drowning capital of the U.S. – and Kauai is known as the drowning capital of Hawai’i. It may be surprising to learn, but snorkeling is one of the leading causes of tourist deaths in Hawai’i. snorkel kauai

Kauai’s first drowning of 2016 was a 75-year-old Oregon man, Harry Evans, who was found unresponsive whilst snorkeling off Poipu on Kauai, Hawaii.

The surf was small in the area, and the waters calm, so this ocean-related death would not have occurred due to large surf, swells, or strong currents.

Even though snorkeling is a relatively easy activity, people can panic, get stressed, fail to breathe properly once water gets in the mask and/or snorkel, especially when they aren’t used to snorkeling in ocean conditions. They may already have health issues, which put them at greater risk. Many tourists come to Hawai’i, rent a snorkel, and go directly into the ocean with very limited or no experience.

In one Australian study, it was shown the main causes of snorkeling deaths were due to 1) cardiac arrest 2) surface drowning 3) drowning after extended breath holding 4) trauma. The majority were cardiac causes (half of these had known cardiac conditions) and surface drownings. This most often occurred in sober, middle-aged to older males snorkeling in a supervised setting (tour group). “Fatal silent snorkeling syndrome” refers to people who have suffered a cardiac problem and are found floating silently in the water, often close to others.

In our study, people who died of cardiac causes were typically well males (median age, 65 years) who were noticed floating silently in the water, often close to others. We call this the “fatal silent snorkelling syndrome”. Cardiac causes of death defined at forensic autopsy include myocardial infarction, valve rupture, previously undiagnosed congenital valvular or coronary artery abnormalities, and unrecognized myocarditis.

DyingForVacation_H4-300x0-c-default-1People feel safe because they often go out in groups – whether it’s with tour companies or friends and family. Tour groups often have inadequate proportions of instructors to participants. It’s impossible for them to check in on you one-on-one. The problem with snorkeling, if someone is not directly checking in with you, you could be having issues without anyone knowing. You would still be floating above the water as if everything is fine. Friends and family unfortunately are focusing on their own experience first. They are also not necessarily trained in life-saving techniques. On top of that, there are endless beaches on Kauai, and limited life guards. If you are found unresponsive, it may take time before you get the proper medical attention.

If you have any health issues particularly of the heart, if you are not familiar snorkeling in the ocean, or if you are under the age of 15 or over the age of 60, it’s imperative you have a one-on-one snorkeling partner.

health_1_900x670Snorkeling is a wonderful way to experience the ocean environment. Here are some tips to staying safe:

  1. Always train with snorkeling gear in a pool before snorkeling in the ocean.
  2. Learn snorkeling safety.
  3. If you are not the best swimmer or in top physical condition wear a buoyancy vest or emergency inflatable PFD vest or fanny pack.
  4. Stay in shallow waters.
  5. Always make sure to check ocean conditions before going out. Ask a lifeguard. When in doubt, don’t go out.
  6. Snorkel at lifeguarded beaches during hours when lifeguards are on duty (be cautious of going out close to dusk).
  7. Make sure if you go on a tour boat they have experienced guides with training in rescue techniques, life-saving certifications, as well as defibrillators on the boat.
  8. Always have a snorkeling partner and that you are consistently checking in with them.

When you’re a writer and need to get stuff off your chest, you have to write it down. Normally I don’t bother sharing much of the musings about so-called “famous” people, they deserve their privacy – plus shoots, in Hawaii you surf every day with someone who’s had some fleeting (or legendary) moment of fame via surf. But when that someone’s being a douche, they should be called out on it, regardless of who they are. And sure, every surfer has had their douche-y moments in the water (some are conscious of it, some not so much), but this incident was particularly entertaining. 2015 was the *gulp* 30th anniversary of the first time I ever went surfing. So to have Laird Hamilton gift me with this quote was pretty special. Here’s to purging for the new year!

“You never saw me on a short board?! Then you just started surfing!” –Laird

Surfing Hanalei Bay. It’s a pastime that some on Kauai only partake in on occasion, as it’s so often over-crowded and a bit agro. Today was one of those mellow days with fun-high surf, a relatively sparse crowd, and waves for all.

Winter fixture Laird Hamilton was out. It was early in the season and the first time I’d noticed him since his return from summering in the ‘Bu (yeah, I actually wrote that).

I was surprised to see he wasn’t on a SUP. He looked like a kid, sitting on a board he could actually sink, and I thought it refreshing (not to mention he’d be less able to hog all the waves). So when he paddled near me, after an aloha exchange, I mentioned, “I’ve never seen you on a short board.”

His mood altered split second. “Well then…”, he tisked, “you just started surfing.” He repeated it a little louder and a little more annoyed, “You never saw me on a short board?! Then you definitely just started surfing!”

Wait, um, huh… waht just happened? I waited for a crack of a smile. Nope. He wasn’t joking.

My thought process went something like: Is he thinking I think he’s never short-boarded? Does he think I never saw North Shore?  LOL. Did I accidentally threaten him in some way? Is he really so cocky as to tell a chick that she must be new to surfing because she never saw him in the water on a short board. Is this the best example of inductive reasoning gone awry?! My mind was reeling with questions!

He actually repeated it a few more times. Then went on and on about himself but at that point I couldn’t make out what he was saying. I got all caught up in the energy of the incident… this massive ego… becoming palpable… expanding way beyond the sphere of mere mortals. Maybe someone drank a lil’ too much Laird Superfood Coffee that morning?

He paddled inside, caught a wave, and the vibe out in the water mellowed.

When he made it back out, he took the opportunity to engage a few of the local guys in the pack and went off on some tangent about people who were trying to put him down. He brought up some guys who did this when he was body surfing the other day. “I was going to go in and get my fins and a french fry box… and surf it better than them.” The guys in the water kissing his okole joined in: “Yeah, yeah!” “I would have paddled in and gotten an old door” “Yeah, and beveled down the edges” “Yeah, yeah” “That would show them!” “Yeah!!!”

**Oh boi**

It wasn’t as if Laird was directing this all at me, yet it was obvious my comment – tweaked in his head – inspired the loud discussion that I was supposed to overhear. Bulleh 101. All I could think was, Girlfriend, you know better, don’t you mess with the mind of a narcissist.

After his third wave, Laird paddled back out towards me, and at that point I had to laugh it off and said, “I dunno dude, I was just saying I’ve surfed out here with you like 100 times and I’ve never seen you on a short board. That’s all. Not sure where you decided to go with that…”.

He gave me a pondering stare. Started paddling away. Then turned, paused, and said, “Ohhh, it was a complement.”

I guess I was either with him or against him.

“Uh, well, basically” I replied.

And he smiled…

So, my special quote may not have been North Shore-worthy, but it was close. And whenever there’s a good excuse to include any reference to the flick you really shouldn’t pass on the opportunity: “Burkhart you bastard!”