There’s been a lot of chatter in the news, on social networks, regarding Ecuador’s decision to grant amnesty to Wikileak’s Julian Assange. Since yesterday’s refusal to kick Assange out of their embassy and into the hands of the British authorities, people are now planning vacations to Ecuador and buying Ecuadorian-made products to show their support for the South American republic. Who knew protecting a white guy could be so lucrative for a Hispanic country’s economy?
Assange isn’t likely to be allowed clear passage to Equador… ever. Instead, he will probably be stuck in a tiny converted office with no windows on an air mattress eating take-out for years to come (provided they don’t get sick of him or Britain throws caution to the wind and raids the place).
So we thought, what if Assange went on an embassy ‘tour’ and used his infamy to improve the economy of struggling countries or ones that want to piss off Britain and the US? He could be smuggled out of the Ecuadorian embassy and sort of… embassy hop. Press releases could be issued; shirts designed; tour books printed; the merchandising possibilities are endless.
Obviously, the success of the tour is contingent upon being able to get him in and out of these embassies without being noticed and arrested. In order to ensure this is pulled off without a hitch, we’ve assembled a group of the brightest minds to come up with our Top Five smuggling options for:
The Great Assange Embassy Tour
- Ross Perot is still alive – send him in. He’s done it before, he can do it again.
- Hire the make-up team from The Iron Lady. Since his look is somewhat androgynous, it shouldn’t be too hard to make him look like Meryl Streep or Queen Elizabeth. Alternate plan: Hire the make-up team from Harry Potter. Since they’re probably still bitter about losing this year’s Academy Award to The Iron Lady‘s team, they may see this as a way to get revenge.
- Bring in the narco tunnel makers. The recently uncovered tunnels by the Sinaloa drug cartel – which ran from Mexico to Phoenix – had lights, ventilation systems, a rail car and are considered “an extraordinary piece of engineering.” When the Embassy Tour is over, they can be used for other lucrative “import/export” businesses.
- Get the Misfits to help. This idea makes no sense whatsoever but since we love the show so much, we thought we’d smuggle in a plug.
- Use body modification. Forget all that Fakir Musafar nonsense – we’re talking even more extreme methods. Like putting him on a bananas-only diet (after a couple of months, he’ll be 150 pounds heavier); Or removing an appendage or two (they did it on nip/tuck). The narco tunnel makers probably know at least one or two hack-job plastic surgeons that could give Assange a complete (and permanent) physical transformation.
Keep updated on Assange: http://wikileaks.org/